一篇外籍专家对TWE文章的评改报告

The following TOEFL essay was written by a non-native English speaker. Note

the way the essay was analyzed for

上海龙凤1314 shlfcontent, organization and grammar.

TOEFL Essay Question-------------题目

Supporters of technology say that it solves problems and makes life better.

Opponents argue that technology creates new problems that may threaten or da

mage the quality of life. Using one or two examples, discuss these two posit

ions. Which view of technology do you support? Why?

Student’s unedited answer------学生例文

Technology is improved especially in developed countries. Our lives is conne

上海龙凤1314 shlfcted to technology. Technology is used in everyday life. People use it in d

ifferent ways. It can make our lives better, but it can be cruel if it’s us

上海龙凤1314 shlfed for bad purposes.

上海龙凤1314 shlfFirst, technology makes our lives better because it serves us well and helps

上海龙凤1314 shlfus save time. As we can see one of well-known inventions is internet. For e

xample, in the developed countries, Internet are used in everyday life. It’

s used in schools and businesses because it provides a lot of information ab

out anything all over the world.

On the other hand, technology can be very dangerous for us. Because of its a

bility of finding information, our personal information can no longer be sec

上海龙凤1314 shlfret. For instance, computer is used to keep most of the information. In othe

r cases, hackers can search to our secret file and steal the information via

computer. Another example is that some companies can search and find infor

上海龙凤1314 shlfmation about us just by our credit card receipts or checks. That could make

our lives worse than before.

In short, technology gives us many advantages.

----------------------------------专家的修改

Analysis of student’s answer

Content

上海龙凤1314 shlfA. Understanding the question

You must discuss both sides of the issue and then tell which side you suppor

上海龙凤1314 shlft. In your answer, you did discuss both sides, but you did not tell which v

iew of technology you supported.

上海龙凤1314 shlfB. Restating the question

上海龙凤1314 shlfYour first paragraph is a good attempt to restate the question but it does n

ot include all the information from the original question. Here is an examp

上海龙凤1314 shlfle of a restatement of the question:

Some people feel that technology enhances our lives and others feel technolo

上海龙凤1314 shlfgy is damaging to our lives. We are connected to technology. Computers, te

上海龙凤1314 shlflevision, and cars are all the result of technology. It can make our lives

上海龙凤1314 shlfbetter, however, it can be bad if it’s used for negative purposes.

上海龙凤1314 shlfC. Body paragraphs and final paragraph

上海龙凤1314 shlfBe sure each paragraph in the body of your essay begins with a main idea (or

上海龙凤1314 shlftopic sentence) and is followed by support and examples. The last sentence

of each paragraph should be a concluding sentence.

上海龙凤1314 shlfYou have good ideas, but you should include more examples in the body of the

上海龙凤1314 shlfessay. In body paragraph #1, provide more information about how technology

上海龙凤1314 shlfhelps us save time and add a concluding sentence. Here is an example of wh

上海龙凤1314 shlfat you could include:

上海龙凤1314 shlfFor example, students can use the internet to research information for term

上海龙凤1314 shlfpapers. They can also access information about colleges and universities, b

ook reviews, news and weather, famous people...the list is endless. Busines

ses also benefit from the internet. They can reach a global audience with t

上海龙凤1314 shlfheir products and services. In addition, they can go online and examine the

ir competitors’ products, services and prices. The benefits of technology a

上海龙凤1314 shlfre numerous.

上海龙凤1314 shlfBody paragraph #2 needs a clearer concluding sentence. For example:

上海龙凤1314 shlfUsing technology for this type of negative purpose causes us lots of problem

s and makes our lives difficult.

Your final paragraph should summarize your main ideas and include your view

of technology. You have not done that. Here is an example of a possible fi

nal paragraph:

In short, there are both positive and negative aspects to technology. I sup

port the continued development of technology because the advantages outweigh

the disadvantages. I feel that technology is needed to help us move forwar

上海龙凤1314 shlfd. Without it, our lives will remain stagnant.

Organization

Good overall essay organization. Good use of transitions such as first, on

上海龙凤1314 shlfthe other hand, in short. Organization within paragraphs is good. You begi

上海龙凤1314 shlfn with the main idea and then give support. Remember to include a concludin

上海龙凤1314 shlfg sentence for each paragraph.

Grammar

上海龙凤1314 shlfYour grammar is not bad. You should focus on improving your subject-verb ag

reement and word choice. Below are examples of these two grammatical proble

ms taken from your essay.

Subject-Verb Agreement

Paragraph 1: our lives is (should be) our lives are

上海龙凤1314 shlfParagraph 2: internet are used (should be) internet is used

上海龙凤1314 shlfParagraph 3: computer is used (should be) computers are used

上海龙凤1314 shlfWord Choice

上海龙凤1314 shlfParagraph 1: cruel (better choice:) bad

Paragraph 1: bad (better choice:) negative

Paragraph 3: ability of finding (better choice:) capable of finding

Understanding your TOEFL score

The TOEFL test is the Test of English as a Foreign Language. This test is r

equired for entrance to universities and colleges in the United States. The

computer based test (CBT) is composed of four sections: listening, reading

, structure (grammar) and essay writing. You will receive three scores; one

for listening, one for reading and a combined score for structure and essay

writing. Your TOEFL essay will comprise one-half of your structure/writin

g score.

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT THAT YOU CAN WRITE A GOOD ESSAY!

 

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